23 December 2017

Theory of happiness

I can’t let 2017 pass without posting an update. I can say that in the last period I have been rather distracted but I won’t use the word ‘busy’. When people say they are ‘busy’, to me, it’s irrelevant information. It can only mean two things. One: you are either trying to show others that you are more important than you truly are, this making me question your self-esteem. Two: you have too much on your plate and lost control over the situation thus not realizing where your priorities lay and I am about to send you to a time management course.

So, no. I haven’t been busy. I just didn’t find the need to post this until now.
I have been living in Romania for almost three years now. It feels strange to realize that I feel at home in a country in which I only lived five years before. What is home to me anyway? Am I not just a nomad? Or is that the reason why I feel the need to call a place ‘home’?

In Romania I feel at home…in a way, yet there are doubts to whether this will be my final destination. I don’t know where this country is going and I am not sure I am that compatible with the people living in it either. In a way I still feel alone. I am certain the Netherlands was not my home though I appreciated it (now even more) for its infrastructure and order. The people there were even less compatible with my character and the environment did not suit me at all but there was less chaos and greed there than here.

People say that home is where your heart is. Home is where you will find the people you love. Yes, that is true but though I have the people I love around me there is still something missing. Perhaps my sanity is missing…

Yes, perhaps it is just me. I am just as restless as I have always been. That little Tasmanian devil inside me is turning and twisting asking for yet a new change. To where do I want to escape this time? From what am I running now? Responsibilities? God knows I’ve always had those and I accept them all so that can’t be it. Love? Life? Children? I want them all. I do not fear them. But I also want to reach my dreams. I grow frustrated that I am not there yet. I work hard but the results are minimal. And at the same time, I think, what is the point? Why am I pushing myself so? I remembered a beautiful quote by Einstein, it lives within me from time to time:

 “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness,”

I am always eager to learn more, to achieve more. I want to fight, make myself heard, I want to achieve so much yet things always seem to stand in my way. But am I not trying too hard to achieve those things? Should I not be taking a deep breath instead, enjoying the little things? Should I not stop worrying, pushing and criticizing myself about the things I can’t do better or faster?

It’s time to look back and see what I’ve achieved since I moved to Romania. When you don’t put much thought into it, you don’t realize it. I am not a famous book writer (YET). I haven’t traveled to the end of the world (but I did visit some splendid inspiring locations within Europe). 

I have new amazing friends. I restarted old friendships. I meet new people. I am taking singing lessons and it’s an incredible experience. I have always loved singing and performing but I have underestimated myself in that area. That’s the worse I have done to myself. I have underestimated my worth.  

In the end I’ve done a lot of wonderful things yet I don’t allow myself to see the positive things and the things I achieved. I only look forward and want to reach for those dreams. They can be achieved but not if I keep pushing myself in the wrong way. So cliché isn’t it? And yet I must remind myself of this daily to be able to focus on the good things and not on the things I don’t have. 

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I am sure that one way or the other you might have been through this as well. Perhaps there are words in my post that you find familiar. Perhaps these words will make you think about your own life and give you a little something to think about. We live in a strange world where becoming rich and famous seems to happen to people overnight. We wish for so many things yet we haven’t the least clue what we will do with our wishes once fulfilled. 

For this Christmas I will shut off my thoughts and enjoy the little things, all the things that come my way.

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