23 May 2017

Rules of Dating

We are humans. We are either constantly changing eager to learn more every day or we stay on the same spot enjoying the sweet sound of comfort. Either way we live, we learn, we die. Oh, but before that we also date.

Dating when you’re above 30 is hardly a pretty picture. Why? Because you have already developed a character that has certain demands. When you’re 15, 16 years old your life has just begun, you usually don’t know which path to take and you hardly expect your partner to behave or have specific qualities other than he’s cute or she likes beer. After your 30’s you have already been hurt, fell down, got up, fell down again, faced the good sides and bad sides of life, had a few lovers, discovered more about yourself. Let’s say you’ve more or less matured and you have an idea of what your life should look like. Because of this the partner needs to meet some requirements such as more stability, responsibility if you’re thinking of having children or a certain level of knowledge if you want an intellectual challenge. It might look like a short wish list but these characteristics often pair up with other ones as well. This is why it’s difficult to find someone, dating easily turning into a disaster.

Too picky? Have you ever heard that? ‘You are too picky? Just find someone and stay with him or her.’ It’s the worst mistake you could ever make. Scared of ending up alone you decide to accept the first person you meet with all the weird traits because you are afraid you’ll end up alone. Let me tell you something, there are no guarantees you will still be with that person over 10 years. If you fear ending up alone that is probably what will happen in the end. Don’t allow yourself to stay with someone you don’t love or doesn’t match, be miserable just because of fear. Choose wisely and choose patiently.

In a world of social media I find us becoming shallower as the days pass. Even I catch myself judging a man based on this Facebook profile, his pictures, his friends, his job. It’s horrid. And worse, with all the distorted selfies and the indoctrination of what beauty is we have become superficial and shallow as fuck. Looks are very important, social life, travelling experience, financial status and we have created the ideal profile to which a partner should match. We forgot what was important to us and we follow the pretty pictures like hypnotized monkeys. Wake up and dare to be different.
Image ruined. There are a lot of women who like to get physical on their first date or whose eyes shine at the sight of money. Because there are a lot of them men have the tendency to think we are all the same. They can’t help themselves just as we can’t help ourselves concluding that all men want to get us in bed as soon as possible and are not interested in our minds. The majority ruined the chances for the few lost souls that want more than financial gain or a night of pleasure. And at the same time we struggle to go on a date keeping an open mind and an unbiased point of view, we try to forget all the bad experiences and focus on new good ones, we try not to judge a person too quickly by the looks or words because of the scars we bare from previous dates or relationships.

Where are all the good ones? It’s that feeling: all the good ones are taken. Men and women that are truly beautiful on the inside and outside are in relationships and their partners hold on tight to them knowing what they could lose. Perhaps. But there are those in the same situation as we are so we cannot be unique. Let’s not forget that from all the relationships all over the world, perhaps 5% if lucky have a happy marriage, love and the ideal picture of which we dream. The rest stay in the relationship afraid of being alone or financially independent, afraid of affecting the children or just comfortable with the same situation over and over. Not everyone challenges themselves to the point they realize they deserve better. Not everyone deserves better to begin with. A narcissistic asshole who doesn’t care about anyone and has a partner that isn’t that pretty but takes care of him every day, hardly deserves better even though he probably believes it. His partner on the other hand might think she does not deserve better while she actually does. Who deserves who? It all comes down to how we think, what kind of persons we have become, our fears and insecurities, how much we learned from our mistakes and how many expectations we have created.

We become individuals and pull ourselves away from the herd of relationships that are just there to pass the time. We stand aside and watch. We wonder if it would be best to join the herd, stop thinking and challenge ourselves so much. But we can’t. We can’t compromise, we can’t accept mediocrity. We can’t. It’s all or nothing. And it may be difficult but one day you will see her or him standing on the other side of the road, watching the herd and thinking the exact same thing as you do. You won’t join the herd as a couple, you will stand aside and continue to watch because that is who you are. But this time, you will stand as a couple and watch the herd while you are both holding hands.

And yes this article is called rules of dating so of course I will post them.

Yes, yes if you find someone who is meant for you, you don’t need rules. That’s for sure. But until then here are a few tips to take into account. I am not saying these are things that will get you the man or woman of your dreams because as I said before that will just happen. But these are tips to make your life easier during your dating period.

1. Leave your expectations at home. I hope he is tall. I hope she is short. I hope he looks better than on Facebook. I hope she looks exactly like her Facebook profile. I hope we have a good time. Stop! Go on a date with a smile and clear your mind. You are there to meet a new person not to be the judge on a beauty contest.

2. Dress up a bit. Don’t dress like you’re going to a gala opening but dress smart. Show the person before you that you took an effort to be there. Take a shower. It’s important to smell nice. Actually smell is more important than you think. It can turn a person on or off almost instantly.  Dress smart, smell good. No one likes a stinky, pajama looking date.

3. Be punctual. It’s a date, it’s not a job interview but that does not mean it should not be treated seriously. Show up on time just as you would like the other person to do. You don’t want to wait half an hour for your date so don’t do the same. If you are going to be late, don’t just text, call, apologize and even give them an estimation of when you will get there.

4. Be honest. It’s the best way to go. If your date is smart enough he or she will know if you are trying to bend the truth. Honesty is clean and simple. However some things can better be left unspoken. If you don’t like your date’s outfit don’t say it! If you want to go someplace else, go ahead and share that. Do remember there is a difference between honesty and rudeness.

5. Don’t throw it all out there. Tell your date some things about you but don’t let them read the whole book on the first date. Don’t start with the day you were born and finish with today. Let them think about it, come up with questions on their own. Keep the interest and curiosity in the air. It’s only the first date. If there is a click more dates will follow, you don’t have to force it.

6. Avoid horrid details. Don’t start talking about your exes, how mean they were or how they treated you, used you. You will sound like a bitter old prune. Don’t start talking about any medical situation you had and give them disgusting details. Don’t talk about your insecurities in life. If you must mention something be brief about it.

7. Focus on your date. If your date is shy do try to ask questions, find out more instead of filling up the air with your own stories. Try to discover things about your date and let your date discover you as well. It’s not a job interview, the conversation should go naturally. And do put the fucking phone away, will you? 

8. Pay! Yes, no more excuses. Always offer to pay half during your date. Be careful with offering to pay everything. Nowadays it might be taken advantage of. Don’t show off with your financial status or complain that you have no money. ‘Somehow’ that turns people off. Keep your mouth shut, pay half or at least offer and that’s that.

9. Kiss goodnight? Oh boy, have times changed! You can kiss at the end of the date but usually this happens during the date. Do what feels good. What will happen on the second date? Whatever you want but it’s important to discuss the expectations with one another before getting any surprises. Someone who is hurried to get you into bed quickly is probably not that serious.

10. Facebook stalking forbidden. Don’t start looking through his Facebook page, his pictures, the women he dated, where he went, what he did. Well, of course you will but don’t take it too seriously. We often create a Facebook image of the life of a person when reality can be completely different. Don’t become a stalker, be patient and things will reveal themselves to you sooner or later.

11. Learn and move on. He didn’t call back? What did I do wrong? What happened? But he seemed so interested. We ask ourselves what went wrong without realizing that perhaps the other person is confronted with his or her own fears and expectations as well. When someone does not continue dating you it does not necessarily mean you did something wrong. Leave it behind, take it as a learning moment, you met a new person, you discovered what you liked and disliked about that person thus learning more about yourself. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Don’t be harsh on the other person either. Your time will come as long as you keep on trying.

Thank you for reading for so long. Here’s something to really enjoy ;)

01 May 2017

Love is you

I deserve the best. I deserve all the best in this entire world. How many of us say that? How many people think that? 

This article is for the ones who…understand it…

We underestimate ourselves every day. We appreciate others, admire them for who they are, for what they have achieved but do we stop for a moment and look in the mirror?

There is a difference between thinking you are someone or thinking you are special. Sometimes we think we are meaningless, a pebble on a long road, insignificant and disposable. If we all thought the same every day, took these words as true, there would be no greatness in this world. Allow yourself to be great by appreciating your talents, qualities and beauty. Think of all your idols and put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Do you think they believed all their lives they sucked? They believed they were nothing?

Look in the mirror and say ‘Damn, I am hot! Damn I am talented and there is no one like me in this world!’ Is it a foolish thing to do? Are you not all these things? Who says you are not? If others say that, fuck them! Fuck everyone else. If you say that, you need to change the way you think.

It sounds cliché but love does start with you. I myself need to be reminded of this as well. Luckily I have a wise friend who points that out to me from time to time. If you do not love yourself how will others love you, appreciate you for who you are? If you do not take care of your body, your health, your own happiness, who else will? Never rely on others to change you into a better person, to take away your loneliness, to make you feel special, to take you places, to let you express your talent. Never. If you want something done, do it yourself. And if you are not comfortable with being alone with yourself for a while then start getting comfortable! 

Create your own path, don’t compare yourself to others, the life you live is your own and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Start today. What better day to start? Say goodbye to bad habits, bad relationships, moody friends, anything that makes you feel less than perfect. Getting uncomfortable? Good. It means you’re growing. It means it’s time to change.