26 January 2017

Live and love

Every new year’s eve I used say

‘I hope next year will be better’.

I stopped doing so this year. I do not wish it to be better. I wish it to be just as diverse and different as last year.

I can’t say last year was a great year or however you may call it but it was different and that is more important. I did new things and though fear was in my heart every time now I am so happy I actually had the guts to do them. Only now do I realize how much I stagnated at one point and I know I will never go to that stage ever again. Some people like their lives to be the same every  day, to be in control of every situation and never be surprised by anything. It may sound like criticism but it’s not. Some people are like that and that it ok. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the person is happy the way his or her life is. No one said we should all travel, try new things, experience all there is to experience because we are not all the same. If we would all travel at the same time…imagine that…We are not all the same so the whole do this and do that does not apply to all of us. Just like Facebook. Not everyone wants to be on Facebook 24/7 share their pictures, experiences, locations with the rest of the world. You can’t call those people introverts, ugly, losers or whatever. 

We are all different and that is a good thing.

Anyway, back to the story. I am one of those people who wants to do new things constantly. I like to learn as much as I can from my life and experience all that is out there. Not that any of my activities ever made sense. I experienced being a reporter on a radio station, being a teacher, jewelry making, acting, all kinds of dance styles, painting lessons, guitar lessons, writing lessons, singing in a choir in German in a fraternity house (then giving a performance in a cathedral), performing a striptease show with a James Bond theme at a school party I helped organize, singing in front of colleagues at a work party, taking part of sword fighting lessons, experiencing capoeira and I remember at one point ending up at a meeting about American Indians where we sat in a circle and…I must say I forgot the rest. Then you have those little moments in life when you’re thinking what the fuck am I doing here? Being in a striptease club and getting a lap dance, sitting in a van next to a guy way too stoned to drive and wondering why you made that decision in the first place.

I am one of those people who later on in life would like to be one of those strange grandma’s and tell her grand-kids stuff that will make them wonder if I were ever totally sane. To me that’s life. Doing crazy things, things you’re not comfortable with and then creating memories that will last a lifetime. 

And love. 


Love is incredible if you ever experienced it in all of its purity. It’s addictive, it’s impossible, it’s beyond words. Though I realize there are people in this world that perhaps have never loved anyone in their lives. I can’t imagine being one of those people. To be so crazy about a person that only thinking about that person makes you walk on clouds, to understand the meaning of every love song, to cry when you’re staring at that face because it’s too beautiful to be true, to be willing to give all you have to that person and ask for absolutely nothing in return. I never thought I’d experience love at that intensity. Yet here I am, I lived and loved and experienced it in full. Never mind the pain, never mind the moments you want to pull your heart out and smash it against the window. There is no pleasure without pain, no love without heartache, no life without setbacks. If you want to keep yourself from getting hurt then you might as well become a robot and walk glued to the wall for the rest of your life. But in the end you will regret it. You will miserably regret it.

We are all different and I am sure the ones that have that fire constantly burning in their hearts in search for life are completely understanding this article and are probably people who have done similar things that I have done. I am a restless soul. It’s my curse and my blessing. I can never stay in one place too long without doing something new and I can never love without giving my own heart on a plate. But I am happy because I know I am not the only one. And I am sure a lot of you reading this article will feel connected to it some way or the other. My only advice is if you feel that restlessness inside you, do feed it from time to time and never suppress it.  You will be grateful for it in the future. So this year won’t be better than last year, it will just be different and filled with crazy shit and new experiences!

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