23 December 2017

Theory of happiness

I can’t let 2017 pass without posting an update. I can say that in the last period I have been rather distracted but I won’t use the word ‘busy’. When people say they are ‘busy’, to me, it’s irrelevant information. It can only mean two things. One: you are either trying to show others that you are more important than you truly are, this making me question your self-esteem. Two: you have too much on your plate and lost control over the situation thus not realizing where your priorities lay and I am about to send you to a time management course.

So, no. I haven’t been busy. I just didn’t find the need to post this until now.
I have been living in Romania for almost three years now. It feels strange to realize that I feel at home in a country in which I only lived five years before. What is home to me anyway? Am I not just a nomad? Or is that the reason why I feel the need to call a place ‘home’?

In Romania I feel at home…in a way, yet there are doubts to whether this will be my final destination. I don’t know where this country is going and I am not sure I am that compatible with the people living in it either. In a way I still feel alone. I am certain the Netherlands was not my home though I appreciated it (now even more) for its infrastructure and order. The people there were even less compatible with my character and the environment did not suit me at all but there was less chaos and greed there than here.

People say that home is where your heart is. Home is where you will find the people you love. Yes, that is true but though I have the people I love around me there is still something missing. Perhaps my sanity is missing…

Yes, perhaps it is just me. I am just as restless as I have always been. That little Tasmanian devil inside me is turning and twisting asking for yet a new change. To where do I want to escape this time? From what am I running now? Responsibilities? God knows I’ve always had those and I accept them all so that can’t be it. Love? Life? Children? I want them all. I do not fear them. But I also want to reach my dreams. I grow frustrated that I am not there yet. I work hard but the results are minimal. And at the same time, I think, what is the point? Why am I pushing myself so? I remembered a beautiful quote by Einstein, it lives within me from time to time:

 “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness,”

I am always eager to learn more, to achieve more. I want to fight, make myself heard, I want to achieve so much yet things always seem to stand in my way. But am I not trying too hard to achieve those things? Should I not be taking a deep breath instead, enjoying the little things? Should I not stop worrying, pushing and criticizing myself about the things I can’t do better or faster?

It’s time to look back and see what I’ve achieved since I moved to Romania. When you don’t put much thought into it, you don’t realize it. I am not a famous book writer (YET). I haven’t traveled to the end of the world (but I did visit some splendid inspiring locations within Europe). 

I have new amazing friends. I restarted old friendships. I meet new people. I am taking singing lessons and it’s an incredible experience. I have always loved singing and performing but I have underestimated myself in that area. That’s the worse I have done to myself. I have underestimated my worth.  

In the end I’ve done a lot of wonderful things yet I don’t allow myself to see the positive things and the things I achieved. I only look forward and want to reach for those dreams. They can be achieved but not if I keep pushing myself in the wrong way. So cliché isn’t it? And yet I must remind myself of this daily to be able to focus on the good things and not on the things I don’t have. 

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I am sure that one way or the other you might have been through this as well. Perhaps there are words in my post that you find familiar. Perhaps these words will make you think about your own life and give you a little something to think about. We live in a strange world where becoming rich and famous seems to happen to people overnight. We wish for so many things yet we haven’t the least clue what we will do with our wishes once fulfilled. 

For this Christmas I will shut off my thoughts and enjoy the little things, all the things that come my way.

14 October 2017

Valencia. Is it the place or the people?

I am not all too often impressed when it comes to new places. But, when I am, I must write about it.

I visited Spain a few times before but I never went to Valencia. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I did see some amazing buildings when I googled it. One thing was for sure, it was Spain! It would certainly be crowded, people will be loud, food everywhere and I will be eating tapas. I don’t want to sound shallow but that was my experience in the previous visits and they were wonderful visits.

As soon as I set foot on Valencian ground, my plane arriving at midnight, I was mesmerized by the silence. It wasn’t an anxious silence. I didn’t feel unsafe or afraid. It was a silence that surrounded the city and it immediately changed my inner mood. I became calm not knowing why.
The first day in Valencia was cloudy and rainy but I wasn't affected at all. The company was excellent and that definitely made my stay wonderful but, the city itself should not be underestimated. If you looked closely at the surroundings, at the people, at everything around you, you would have realized this city was a little heaven on earth.

There were palm trees everywhere, beautiful and colorful buildings well preserved with amazing window shutters. Most of the areas were decorated with flowers and the parks were very beautiful and alive.

People on the street, stylish and simple dressed, looked quite reserved but they were very polite. Respect seemed to be one of the priorities. In the morning I watched the busy street coming to life and people being so polite to one another. I wondered if they did that because they learned it or because it something in their blood?

Perhaps unnecessary to mention as Spain is rich in culture, art and music but Valencia had her way of combining all the creativity and presenting them in a subtle and authentic manner. Street musician played very well. They did their best to show their talent and share their music with everyone. Performances and surprises were discovered in unexpected places.  I even stumbled upon a Flamenco show. The Flamenco dancer, a gorgeous and proud young woman, as well as the singer moved me to tears. The air was filled with harmony and the sweet liquor of surrender.

I must say that every time I came to Spain I wasn’t that baffled with the variety of food. Perhaps I had made quick assumptions about the tapas and paella. Valencia made me realize there is much more to the Spanish cuisine than the standard touristic bites. Not to mention the little restaurants hidden in every corner, making it already a satisfying game to discover one of them. The food was magnificent and without knowing it I was closing my eyes from time to time to enjoy the moment and the wine that, of course, had to be present at every meal. Not to mention the waiters and restaurant owners who did their best to establish some sort of relationship with their customers. I loved the genuine interest and the little chit chats.

I think what attracted me most to Valencia was the silence around me. Even on a crowded market I could still taste the silence. It was the silence I felt inside the people surrounding me. I felt their peace, their smiles as they were living in the moment, no worries seeming to trouble them. They were different. The feeling is indescribably and I can’t explain it further with words. It is of course very personal. I can’t guarantee that others will share the same experience but perhaps there are some of you out there who understand this strange yet surprisingly wonderful silence.  

Yes, I am impressed by Valencia. Yes, I can’t wait to be there again and yes Valencia makes me feel more home than any other city I have ever visited. Do I have to thank the city for that? Maybe but it is the people who have created and preserved this treasure with which that I have fallen so much in love. The perfect balance between beauty and responsibility, freedom and unity. Who knows, maybe there is Spanish blood flowing through my veins after all. Ole!

23 May 2017

Rules of Dating

We are humans. We are either constantly changing eager to learn more every day or we stay on the same spot enjoying the sweet sound of comfort. Either way we live, we learn, we die. Oh, but before that we also date.

Dating when you’re above 30 is hardly a pretty picture. Why? Because you have already developed a character that has certain demands. When you’re 15, 16 years old your life has just begun, you usually don’t know which path to take and you hardly expect your partner to behave or have specific qualities other than he’s cute or she likes beer. After your 30’s you have already been hurt, fell down, got up, fell down again, faced the good sides and bad sides of life, had a few lovers, discovered more about yourself. Let’s say you’ve more or less matured and you have an idea of what your life should look like. Because of this the partner needs to meet some requirements such as more stability, responsibility if you’re thinking of having children or a certain level of knowledge if you want an intellectual challenge. It might look like a short wish list but these characteristics often pair up with other ones as well. This is why it’s difficult to find someone, dating easily turning into a disaster.

Too picky? Have you ever heard that? ‘You are too picky? Just find someone and stay with him or her.’ It’s the worst mistake you could ever make. Scared of ending up alone you decide to accept the first person you meet with all the weird traits because you are afraid you’ll end up alone. Let me tell you something, there are no guarantees you will still be with that person over 10 years. If you fear ending up alone that is probably what will happen in the end. Don’t allow yourself to stay with someone you don’t love or doesn’t match, be miserable just because of fear. Choose wisely and choose patiently.

In a world of social media I find us becoming shallower as the days pass. Even I catch myself judging a man based on this Facebook profile, his pictures, his friends, his job. It’s horrid. And worse, with all the distorted selfies and the indoctrination of what beauty is we have become superficial and shallow as fuck. Looks are very important, social life, travelling experience, financial status and we have created the ideal profile to which a partner should match. We forgot what was important to us and we follow the pretty pictures like hypnotized monkeys. Wake up and dare to be different.
Image ruined. There are a lot of women who like to get physical on their first date or whose eyes shine at the sight of money. Because there are a lot of them men have the tendency to think we are all the same. They can’t help themselves just as we can’t help ourselves concluding that all men want to get us in bed as soon as possible and are not interested in our minds. The majority ruined the chances for the few lost souls that want more than financial gain or a night of pleasure. And at the same time we struggle to go on a date keeping an open mind and an unbiased point of view, we try to forget all the bad experiences and focus on new good ones, we try not to judge a person too quickly by the looks or words because of the scars we bare from previous dates or relationships.

Where are all the good ones? It’s that feeling: all the good ones are taken. Men and women that are truly beautiful on the inside and outside are in relationships and their partners hold on tight to them knowing what they could lose. Perhaps. But there are those in the same situation as we are so we cannot be unique. Let’s not forget that from all the relationships all over the world, perhaps 5% if lucky have a happy marriage, love and the ideal picture of which we dream. The rest stay in the relationship afraid of being alone or financially independent, afraid of affecting the children or just comfortable with the same situation over and over. Not everyone challenges themselves to the point they realize they deserve better. Not everyone deserves better to begin with. A narcissistic asshole who doesn’t care about anyone and has a partner that isn’t that pretty but takes care of him every day, hardly deserves better even though he probably believes it. His partner on the other hand might think she does not deserve better while she actually does. Who deserves who? It all comes down to how we think, what kind of persons we have become, our fears and insecurities, how much we learned from our mistakes and how many expectations we have created.

We become individuals and pull ourselves away from the herd of relationships that are just there to pass the time. We stand aside and watch. We wonder if it would be best to join the herd, stop thinking and challenge ourselves so much. But we can’t. We can’t compromise, we can’t accept mediocrity. We can’t. It’s all or nothing. And it may be difficult but one day you will see her or him standing on the other side of the road, watching the herd and thinking the exact same thing as you do. You won’t join the herd as a couple, you will stand aside and continue to watch because that is who you are. But this time, you will stand as a couple and watch the herd while you are both holding hands.

And yes this article is called rules of dating so of course I will post them.

Yes, yes if you find someone who is meant for you, you don’t need rules. That’s for sure. But until then here are a few tips to take into account. I am not saying these are things that will get you the man or woman of your dreams because as I said before that will just happen. But these are tips to make your life easier during your dating period.

1. Leave your expectations at home. I hope he is tall. I hope she is short. I hope he looks better than on Facebook. I hope she looks exactly like her Facebook profile. I hope we have a good time. Stop! Go on a date with a smile and clear your mind. You are there to meet a new person not to be the judge on a beauty contest.

2. Dress up a bit. Don’t dress like you’re going to a gala opening but dress smart. Show the person before you that you took an effort to be there. Take a shower. It’s important to smell nice. Actually smell is more important than you think. It can turn a person on or off almost instantly.  Dress smart, smell good. No one likes a stinky, pajama looking date.

3. Be punctual. It’s a date, it’s not a job interview but that does not mean it should not be treated seriously. Show up on time just as you would like the other person to do. You don’t want to wait half an hour for your date so don’t do the same. If you are going to be late, don’t just text, call, apologize and even give them an estimation of when you will get there.

4. Be honest. It’s the best way to go. If your date is smart enough he or she will know if you are trying to bend the truth. Honesty is clean and simple. However some things can better be left unspoken. If you don’t like your date’s outfit don’t say it! If you want to go someplace else, go ahead and share that. Do remember there is a difference between honesty and rudeness.

5. Don’t throw it all out there. Tell your date some things about you but don’t let them read the whole book on the first date. Don’t start with the day you were born and finish with today. Let them think about it, come up with questions on their own. Keep the interest and curiosity in the air. It’s only the first date. If there is a click more dates will follow, you don’t have to force it.

6. Avoid horrid details. Don’t start talking about your exes, how mean they were or how they treated you, used you. You will sound like a bitter old prune. Don’t start talking about any medical situation you had and give them disgusting details. Don’t talk about your insecurities in life. If you must mention something be brief about it.

7. Focus on your date. If your date is shy do try to ask questions, find out more instead of filling up the air with your own stories. Try to discover things about your date and let your date discover you as well. It’s not a job interview, the conversation should go naturally. And do put the fucking phone away, will you? 

8. Pay! Yes, no more excuses. Always offer to pay half during your date. Be careful with offering to pay everything. Nowadays it might be taken advantage of. Don’t show off with your financial status or complain that you have no money. ‘Somehow’ that turns people off. Keep your mouth shut, pay half or at least offer and that’s that.

9. Kiss goodnight? Oh boy, have times changed! You can kiss at the end of the date but usually this happens during the date. Do what feels good. What will happen on the second date? Whatever you want but it’s important to discuss the expectations with one another before getting any surprises. Someone who is hurried to get you into bed quickly is probably not that serious.

10. Facebook stalking forbidden. Don’t start looking through his Facebook page, his pictures, the women he dated, where he went, what he did. Well, of course you will but don’t take it too seriously. We often create a Facebook image of the life of a person when reality can be completely different. Don’t become a stalker, be patient and things will reveal themselves to you sooner or later.

11. Learn and move on. He didn’t call back? What did I do wrong? What happened? But he seemed so interested. We ask ourselves what went wrong without realizing that perhaps the other person is confronted with his or her own fears and expectations as well. When someone does not continue dating you it does not necessarily mean you did something wrong. Leave it behind, take it as a learning moment, you met a new person, you discovered what you liked and disliked about that person thus learning more about yourself. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Don’t be harsh on the other person either. Your time will come as long as you keep on trying.

Thank you for reading for so long. Here’s something to really enjoy ;)

01 May 2017

Love is you

I deserve the best. I deserve all the best in this entire world. How many of us say that? How many people think that? 

This article is for the ones who…understand it…

We underestimate ourselves every day. We appreciate others, admire them for who they are, for what they have achieved but do we stop for a moment and look in the mirror?

There is a difference between thinking you are someone or thinking you are special. Sometimes we think we are meaningless, a pebble on a long road, insignificant and disposable. If we all thought the same every day, took these words as true, there would be no greatness in this world. Allow yourself to be great by appreciating your talents, qualities and beauty. Think of all your idols and put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Do you think they believed all their lives they sucked? They believed they were nothing?

Look in the mirror and say ‘Damn, I am hot! Damn I am talented and there is no one like me in this world!’ Is it a foolish thing to do? Are you not all these things? Who says you are not? If others say that, fuck them! Fuck everyone else. If you say that, you need to change the way you think.

It sounds cliché but love does start with you. I myself need to be reminded of this as well. Luckily I have a wise friend who points that out to me from time to time. If you do not love yourself how will others love you, appreciate you for who you are? If you do not take care of your body, your health, your own happiness, who else will? Never rely on others to change you into a better person, to take away your loneliness, to make you feel special, to take you places, to let you express your talent. Never. If you want something done, do it yourself. And if you are not comfortable with being alone with yourself for a while then start getting comfortable! 

Create your own path, don’t compare yourself to others, the life you live is your own and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.

Start today. What better day to start? Say goodbye to bad habits, bad relationships, moody friends, anything that makes you feel less than perfect. Getting uncomfortable? Good. It means you’re growing. It means it’s time to change.

29 January 2017

To Do List 2017

When the weather is pure horrid and all you want is stay home, crawled up in a warm bed next to a hot body all I can do is support that wish and

…yes of course…

encourage it by sharing with you my 2017 to do list!


I didn’t want to share him with you up until now. But yes, this whole month I have been enjoying his company and I can’t say I can get enough of him. Yes I admit he’s a bit of a weirdo and his Sherlock lifestyle is quite complicated but hey, who doesn’t want a challenge? Benedict Cumberbatch is the new provocation!

And come now, wouldn’t you like him to use his Smaug voice in bed? No? Then it’s probably just me.


Celebrate Valentine’s day with a romantic fellow? You bet I will. Dan Stevens is such a sweetheart! And what better way to spend this romantic month than with the actor of the most romantic movie of 2017? Beauty and the Beast…though I do hope he still kept a bit of his beastie side…


Spring starts with this beautiful tigress ….Can she be more perfect…or evil? She’s playful, funny and looks absolutely cute with those horns, wouldn’t you agree? Lesley‑Ann Brandt the cutest demon you’ve ever set your eyes upon and not only that she is smart with a strong ass personality too. The only question is, can you handle her?


Yes it is April but he ain’t no fool ladies. He is a bit crazy but not a fool. Who hasn’t seen him in Filth and Split and wondered if his mind is not a bit twisted? And who wouldn’t love him for that? And if it ain’t that then it’s gotta be his gorgeous accent, right? James McAvoy has his peculiar charm accompanied by a great and irreplaceable talent.

The newbie on Ray Donovan’s show cannot go unnoticed. Give it up for Ismael Cruz Cordova! Those eyes and that perfect skin were made to be irresistible. So what he had a weird relationship with his sister…I have my weird shit too, like I eat too much candy…That body and the way you can see his soul right through those mesmerizing eyes, oh dear God…


For my Birthday I would like to go back to the classics. Dean of course will do just fine! I will have my perfect day with Jensen Ackles away from evil…but for the rest of the month we’ll spend a good old classic time hunting and slashing monsters, with some burgers and beer of course.


Applause for Galaxy’s hottest….Zoe Saldana! We’ll spend the month on the beach, party all night and wake up with coffee and pancakes!


The classic once more. Our own favorite Chris Hemsworth is here to enjoy the summer sun and make us feel loved and well…too hot all the time.


He cannot be missed especially in his wonderful role in Poldark! Talented and yummy, Aidan Turner!


Luke Evans doesn’t want to quit the list. He just insists on staying hot and beautiful all the time.


Maybe for the first time in a while a blondie girl makes her way through the list. She’s sweet yet smart and taugh! Lauren German is the hottest detective you’ve ever seen. And yes you may know her from her role in Chicago Fire but if you haven’t seen Lucifer, man, you know nothing!


Oh come, holiday fairytale season time. We need someone sweet and warm…just like a cup of hot coco with cinnamon. We need tiny marshmallows and a fireplace, we need…oh yes…our very own Enrique Iglesias! Oh yes, bachata time!

26 January 2017

Live and love

Every new year’s eve I used say

‘I hope next year will be better’.

I stopped doing so this year. I do not wish it to be better. I wish it to be just as diverse and different as last year.

I can’t say last year was a great year or however you may call it but it was different and that is more important. I did new things and though fear was in my heart every time now I am so happy I actually had the guts to do them. Only now do I realize how much I stagnated at one point and I know I will never go to that stage ever again. Some people like their lives to be the same every  day, to be in control of every situation and never be surprised by anything. It may sound like criticism but it’s not. Some people are like that and that it ok. There is nothing wrong with that as long as the person is happy the way his or her life is. No one said we should all travel, try new things, experience all there is to experience because we are not all the same. If we would all travel at the same time…imagine that…We are not all the same so the whole do this and do that does not apply to all of us. Just like Facebook. Not everyone wants to be on Facebook 24/7 share their pictures, experiences, locations with the rest of the world. You can’t call those people introverts, ugly, losers or whatever. 

We are all different and that is a good thing.

Anyway, back to the story. I am one of those people who wants to do new things constantly. I like to learn as much as I can from my life and experience all that is out there. Not that any of my activities ever made sense. I experienced being a reporter on a radio station, being a teacher, jewelry making, acting, all kinds of dance styles, painting lessons, guitar lessons, writing lessons, singing in a choir in German in a fraternity house (then giving a performance in a cathedral), performing a striptease show with a James Bond theme at a school party I helped organize, singing in front of colleagues at a work party, taking part of sword fighting lessons, experiencing capoeira and I remember at one point ending up at a meeting about American Indians where we sat in a circle and…I must say I forgot the rest. Then you have those little moments in life when you’re thinking what the fuck am I doing here? Being in a striptease club and getting a lap dance, sitting in a van next to a guy way too stoned to drive and wondering why you made that decision in the first place.

I am one of those people who later on in life would like to be one of those strange grandma’s and tell her grand-kids stuff that will make them wonder if I were ever totally sane. To me that’s life. Doing crazy things, things you’re not comfortable with and then creating memories that will last a lifetime. 

And love. 


Love is incredible if you ever experienced it in all of its purity. It’s addictive, it’s impossible, it’s beyond words. Though I realize there are people in this world that perhaps have never loved anyone in their lives. I can’t imagine being one of those people. To be so crazy about a person that only thinking about that person makes you walk on clouds, to understand the meaning of every love song, to cry when you’re staring at that face because it’s too beautiful to be true, to be willing to give all you have to that person and ask for absolutely nothing in return. I never thought I’d experience love at that intensity. Yet here I am, I lived and loved and experienced it in full. Never mind the pain, never mind the moments you want to pull your heart out and smash it against the window. There is no pleasure without pain, no love without heartache, no life without setbacks. If you want to keep yourself from getting hurt then you might as well become a robot and walk glued to the wall for the rest of your life. But in the end you will regret it. You will miserably regret it.

We are all different and I am sure the ones that have that fire constantly burning in their hearts in search for life are completely understanding this article and are probably people who have done similar things that I have done. I am a restless soul. It’s my curse and my blessing. I can never stay in one place too long without doing something new and I can never love without giving my own heart on a plate. But I am happy because I know I am not the only one. And I am sure a lot of you reading this article will feel connected to it some way or the other. My only advice is if you feel that restlessness inside you, do feed it from time to time and never suppress it.  You will be grateful for it in the future. So this year won’t be better than last year, it will just be different and filled with crazy shit and new experiences!