17 June 2016

When fear changes into love

I must confess, I have never been on a holiday alone. Yet circumstances made that happen. No matter how much I pushed and tried to avoid that situation, it just fucking happened.

I wasn’t very eager on the concept. I found it so strange to travel alone, be surrounded by couples and families and to be just with myself. In the beginning I hated it. I just didn’t like it one bit. I found it so odd and just unreal. I was alone with my thoughts, my pain, my memories and I was driving myself crazy. But then I said to myself, I have two choices: either I cry every day, lock myself up and feel miserable, or I can just let go and see what happens.
And so many good things happened.

My fears changed into serenity. I walked on the beach and stared at the sea, I stared at the sun for hours. I loved feeling of the wind in my hair and to be just with me. My thoughts that first drove me insane started to vanish. I had no more thoughts, I had no more worries. Just me. Me, right now and no one else.

But the loneliness didn’t last long. I made new friends. Sudden but so beautiful. At first I was skeptic. I was even distant because I didn’t understand the sudden change. I was going to be here alone for a week, not make friends and laugh. I was going to be crawled in my sanctuary, all quiet and silent, not talk and open up. But these friends were not going to let that happen. They ‘forced’ me to come back to my social self and become alive again.

The day trips also offered me wonderful experiences. I saw the ruins of Effes and I was totally impressed by how our world used to look like. It’s amazing to hear stories about the past and imagine it into the here and now. And then realize what the fuck happened to the world? Look at us worrying about the most pathetic little things instead of living our lives like we truly should.
I found peace and complete serenity at Saint Mary's house. I loved it and it was an experience that I can't even explain. I will just remember it until I die...and far beyond my death.

On my birthday I wasn’t alone anymore. I missed home but I wasn’t alone. And the pathetic me that was going to be sad for that day was now smiling, happy, at peace and even willing to party her ass off. I didn’t mind telling people that on my birthday I did absofucking nothing. Just on the beach, got tanned and listened to music. To me it was perfect!

The next day we went on a boat trip and there was a moment. One moment when I was alone. When I stared at the sea and wondered if there is a God out there after all. A moment when I wondered there is something there, someone out there and I felt protected and loved. I don’t believe in God but I do believe in the fact that there is more out there than we realize. Much more. We are merely humans and the world is much bigger than us, it would be arrogant to think that we are the only ones on this planet. We are not special, we are not big, we are only ants trying to survive. But this ant stopped and looked ahead and she felt something powerful. Not everyone will understand this part. You guys will probably think I smoked something but to be honest, like always, I don’t give a fuck!

Then more came. I had friends, I had fun, I had peace, what else could come? The feeling of being beautiful again, of being desired, of being loved. The moment you start looking in the mirror and smile. The moment you feel something in your belly and you think, no way I can still feel that. That is not for me anymore. I am too old, too tired to feel that. I am too smart and have been through too much to believe in that. Sometimes you gotta stop thinking and you just need to feel. Just feel. Don’t think about the future, don’t worry, don’t start thinking of what others might think, just feel…

I don’t want to be one of those people who says ooooh on this journey I have found myself and ohhh I am so changed. That’s just bullshit. We constantly find ourselves and we constantly change so that’s not my point. I guess what I am trying to say is that this journey took a different path than I expected. Whatever you feel, whatever you think, sometimes things happen and you will have no control over them. So don’t panic, don’t be afraid. Just enjoy it and let it happen.

Don’t be afraid to be alone on a trip. Some of you already travel alone and that’s good. Those who don’t, don’t be afraid of it. It’s fine, it really is. And who knows what you might find.
Thanks for reading this, here is a picture of Skippy enjoying himself, like he always does :)