30 April 2016

How to lose a girl in 10 dates

Life seems to go so quickly sometimes that I forget to stop and take a look around me, at how much the world has changed since I was a teenager. Sure, the world is constantly changing yet remains the same, stupidity never stops surprising us, cruelty never ceases to shock us and kindness always makes our heart beat a little bit faster. And speaking of a faster heartbeat, what about love? More specific what about the journey we make before we get to that love stage? Yes, I am talking about dating.

What happened to dating since I was a teenager and now? Well it got totally fucked up, I can tell you that.

1.      Common interest

This is the pre-date evaluation. Unlike let’s call them the ‘old days’, you don’t need to talk to your person of interest anymore to find out what he or she likes. Just get on that Facebook page (after the ‘ooooh so nervous will he accept my invitation’ phase) and find out all you need to know. Cause you know, Facebook creates such a perfect picture of how reality is like. Haven’t you noticed how much you judge a person or create an image in your head of a person just by looking on their Facebook page? Don’t lie to me! I do it too, it’s normal, it’s common, yet probably the worst thing you can do. Sure you can say ‘those pictures are kinda whorish’ or ‘if that’s her ex than I am so much better’ but come on, you create an image in your head, dreamy or not, meet the person and then are surprised you got it all wrong? Think people, think!

2.      Arranging a date

You see, back in the ‘old days’ we had no mobile phones, messenger, whatsapp and all that crap. You had a date, you arranged it by phone and then you went to the date. God forbid your date was late, there was no way in telling you that. You just had to wait. And if you had the unfortunate situation of getting stood up, then it was a long waiting of shame and heartbreak until you realized ‘hey that fucker stood me up!’

In the ‘new world’ arranging a date is like already being on the date the moment you leave home. I mean first of all you have a broad choice on how to contact the person of interest, you have so many ways that sometimes you don’t even know what to choose. Twenty messages before getting to your destination with ‘I’m on my way now,’ ‘can’t wait’ and ‘where are you standing?’ Getting stood up ain’t that easy anymore either. You don’t have to wait until you get come, call the bastard and find out. Now you can just call, text, send an angry emoji and boom get your frustration out.

You’d say people are now more considered because of all the new technology, because you can reach a person easier and confront them with the facts. Wrong. People now care less because of the new technology. We’ve become immune to acts of decency and etiquette.

3.      Dating: the test

Remember those days when if you both liked pasta or listened to that same band and that was kinda the most amazing match ever? Well not anymore suckers! Dating now is like a job interview, no more no less than a job interview. You don’t actually have to tell them how much you earn but showing it, might be a good start. Today’s dating has put such a huge accent on your financial status that you can’t even show up on a date without wearing a brand. No, I’m exaggerating you know but you get the point. Questions like, ‘where do you live?’, ‘Where do you work?’ and ‘Do you have a car?’ You’d think are pure out of interest but a woman is already creating a picture in her head, ‘uuu it sounds like he makes good money’ or ‘hmmm I really don’t like that area in the city, I wouldn’t wanna live there’. Questions like ‘do you like sports?’ makes a guy wonder how you’ll look like in 10 years. ‘Man, if she doesn’t sport now and she already looks like this…’

And talking about your dating experience is taboo. I mean if you used to talk about how many dates or boyfriends you had back in the old days, today’s world is a big fat no way. Though I think the cliché is still out there, a man who had a lot of women is probably good in the sack and a woman who had a few men is probably less of a whore, excuse my expression but we know we are all judgmental little fucks.

4.      Flirting

I can’t say I am very impressed with the flirting via social media. We used to call each other up and say ‘hey, so, what are you wearing?’ Now a girl can just send you a picture of her making those lips pout looking a bit like a goat’s asshole. Not really pretty unless a guy is thinking on that moment of what he would like to do with that mouth and it ain’t kissing. I must say what really impresses me and makes me feel all fuzzy on the inside is the new trend of guy’s sending pictures of their dicks to their crush. I mean, can it get any more romantic than this? At least you get to see the size beforehand. And those emojis (don’t you just fucking hate the world to begin with?) with different meanings are just so wrong. Did you know, of course you did, that the eggplant emoji means a dick and a taco means a vagina? An eggplant? Since when did men grow so confident on thinking their dicks are that big? And don’t let me get started on that taco. All I can think of is Jim Carrey’s words ‘too much cheese on the taco.’ And then the symbol for ‘sex’ is basically those two hands. I mean come on, all I can think of is, did they think of all of this shit beforehand when they came up with them? If not then they must be so proud now.

5.      First base –Third base

What can I say about first base? In the old days you could kiss a girl at the end of the date and it would be a bit daring or bold perhaps. Now, well, people hump each other a few hours after meeting in a club so that ‘first base’ to ‘third base’ development has kinda become ‘base’ in the new days. Though some men still don’t like it if a woman gets down on the first night, it’s not uncommon anymore. Back in the old days you liked someone and you’d get to the sex part eventually, after you got to know them a bit better. Today’s world is, ‘ok I like this person but before I get to know her better I need to know if there is a match in bed’. The accent on sex is even stronger than before. If we thought that people in the old days were obsessed with sex well today we are just total freaks. But sex was always a big passion of the human kind. Ok, so we don’t watch porn on TV anymore big deal but the internet is so filled with wonderful surprises (feel the sarcasm?). Anyway, so basically no more rules on when to do it, it’s more of how you’ll do it. Don’t look like a total perv the first time you get jiggy with it but don’t sit there like a corpse either. Somewhere in between, a sweet perv or a lively corpse.

6.      ‘So this was fun, I will call you again sometimes’

Just like Chandler’s words in Friends, this phrase still applies. If a guy says he’ll call you, it doesn’t mean he’ll actually call you. Today we don’t wait for a guy to call, we just check his messenger and whatsapp to see when he’s online. And we have the wonderful Facebook stalking machine when a desperate woman can track you down like a dog, she can watch your every move and even see when you read her messages and didn’t bother to respond. So today’s social media is even better for stalkers than back in the old days when you just followed someone around. Ah, those where the days. At least then you made an effort into stalking someone, today stalking is just way too comfortable (sarcasm again people!)

7.      And now what?

After dating and dating for like ever, you finally find someone and well, after a while you realize you are not really that ready for commitment yet. So now you need to dump the person but here is the tricky part, how do you do that? Dumping is one of the finest arts of the world. Not anyone can do this part. It requires expertise. The best way to dump a person is to give such a good excuse to actually make the victim feel sorry for you and even apologize. Here we go.

Constanza’s ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. Back in the old days you could use this expression like tons of times. If you do that now people will just slap you blue. But, put it in a new coat for example ‘I have so much on my mind right now’ or ‘I am at a certain moment in life where I need to refind myself’ and people will just eat that crap like hot shit on a plate. You could of course also use the ex excuse ‘me and my girlfriend decided to give it another try’ or ‘my boyfriend just asked me to marry him’. Those are just as good.

If I think about it nothing is actually changed about dating. It has just been ‘improved’ I guess. People are just as gullible and easily misled as then, men are just as uncommitted as then and women just as materialistic. Not all of course, just about 99,9% of them.

My advice? Not that I am in any position of doing so. Fuck it all! Be yourself! If people don’t like you, just tell them to fuck themselves. And hey, you don’t even have to tell them in person, use the emoji on your whatsapp.
Don’t change for others and don’t end up with someone just of being afraid of ending up alone, don’t settle for less but do think of what you have to offer, as a person, not financially, before you have any expectations of others.

Thank you for reading my blog, here are some emojis for your trouble.