23 March 2016

One year in Romania

These past days I just can’t shake off Cee Lo Green’s song ‘Music to my Soul’. I love the words and the beat making me want to travel to New Orleans straight away. One day I will get there though.

Yesterday it turned exactly one year since I came to Romania. One year. I can’t believe it. Sure, I travelled back and forth a few times to Holland but I’ve been living in Bucharest for a year now and I really can’t believe it went so fast. But, when I put on paper what has happened this last year I am startled by how much has taken place, good and bad things. I could write them down one by one but I’d just feel like I’m talking about myself again and I did that a lot in this past year, my emotions, my fears, letting go and embracing the uncertainties. I don’t know, just feels old to start repeating myself because then it might sound like I’m trying to brag about it and that’s really not what I’m trying to do here. Besides, there is nothing to brag about, I just decided to go home and now I feel at home. This is what I did, nothing more and nothing less. I did have some strange dreams though, so many strange dreams and I keep on wondering whether they were real or not (inspired by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's Shadowscapes)

I dreamt I was a little girl again and was going to school for the first time. I was so nervous and scared. I didn’t know what to expect and I was so afraid I might get lost. The first weeks, months were hard and I cried a lot but then I started getting used to it all and the things that seemed to scare me so much in the beginning became insignificant now.
I dreamt I met the boogey man but once I saw him he wasn’t that scary anymore. In fact I wasn’t sure why I had been so scared of him in the first place. I felt braver, stronger and I even dared talking to him. We even got along at one point and I realized putting all my fears aside that we actually might have some small things in common.

I dreamt that some of the other kids were laughing at me. So I became afraid of what to wear and how to act. But one day, I realized they don’t matter, their opinion doesn’t count. I realized those kids are just as insecure as I am, perhaps even more.  I like me just the way I am and I shouldn’t prove myself to anyone, I shouldn’t act like I am happy when I am not or try to please everyone else. I started ignoring the other kids and eventually the mean kids disappeared.

I dreamt mama Bear was far away from her cub and was crying all the time. She grew sick and alone. I wasn’t sure how much longer she would survive. Her cub was missing her too but seemed lost in its own forest. Eventually the cub was able to find its way home and came back to its mother. Mama Bear and the cub got reunited once more and lived happily ever after.
I dreamt of riding on a white horse together with Prince Charming. Suddenly I spotted a yellow rose nearby. It was one of those yellow with pink roses like the ones my grandma had. I decided to lean over and pluck the rose while still riding the horse. But when I tried to pluck the rose, I lost my balance, fell off the horse and lost my Prince for he hadn’t noticed I had fallen off and he continued his journey.

I dreamt of cold, dark days that wouldn’t allow me to leave the house because the wind kept the door shut. I fought to open the door but it was too strong. When I finally gave up, everything around me grew quiet. I looked outside and saw a weak beam of light. I walked to the door and opened it. It just opened so easily that it amazed me. I stepped outside and it was warm thought it still looked rainy and grey. I wasn’t sure why I had felt so helpless before.

I dreamt of staring in a mirror and finding the exact male version of me. I was so happy that he existed. He seemed older and wiser, funny, talented and just as crazy as I am. He had my smile, my charisma and acted just the way I did. But then I stared in his eyes a bit closer and realized they were black. His eyes were black as coal and dark, much darker than I had imagined. I realized my eyes have not grown dark just yet, no matter what I’ve been through my eyes are not that dark. I had made a mistake. He was not a reflection, just a mistake.

I dreamt of meeting a girl at school one day named Faith who always seemed to frighten me. She wore stars on her dress and had strange sparkling hair. I always tried to avoid her whenever she came close and I never wanted to look her straight in the eyes. She was friends with another girl called Hope and a boy named Trust. I didn’t like them one bit. One day I fell and hurt my knee. Faith just came up to me and helped me stand up again. Since that day on I decided to accept her and her friends. We don’t talk all too often but when we do, they always cheer me up and I don’t try to avoid them any longer.

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