It’s good to be home for Christmas. I haven’t felt this Christmassy since…well…since I left I guess, 20 years ago. Sad but true. I love the lights in the city center, the Christmas fairs, the way the city now looks at night on the street, in the park, it’s breathtaking though the ones living here might not even be aware of how pretty it actually is. To tell you the truth perhaps I won’t see it anymore in a few years either. I am assure I will take a few things for granted as the times passes but I hope I won’t do that with the things and people that matter.
I’ve learned a lot this year though I already thought I knew so much. I learned how much small things matter, how important it is to have real friends and how painful it is to realize that the ones whom you thought were real, aren’t. It’s weird, the lessons I learned are not new or come as a shock yet they do affect me every time I confront them. I guess you can’t be ready for everything in life and sometimes it’s good not to. I won’t say that family matters or that friends matter, I believe that love matters. Love, compassion, understanding, something or someone that makes you feel home or makes you feel like a child again. My childhood wasn’t that great but whose was it? We moved a lot and didn’t get a chance to have a stable home, a stable life. Yet now I want to remember the good little moments of my childhood instead of the turmoil I’ve been through.
I also learned that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and that I am allowed to lose control from time to time. I’ve always wanted to enjoy every moment of my life, do crazy things yet I sometimes am afraid of crossing the limits or am afraid of what the consequences might be. I should sometimes close my eyes and let it go. Only when you let go you can actually allow yourself to be free, to enjoy life as it is…I have the feeling I have been restricting myself from life, I tried to keep myself in place, restrain myself, that will only work against you in the end. Don’t fight it, life isn’t about that, life is about letting go of the reins.
I am also very aware of the fact that my feelings can change from today to tomorrow. Today I might be in love, tomorrow I might be angry or frustrated. Feelings can be so complicated when you try to write them down so why bother with them in the first place? Feel like you want to feel and don’t worry about it.
I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my family and New Year with my friends. It will be fun, it’s guaranteed. I might not feel great all the time, I might have my moments, I might feel even sad or depressed but I don’t care, I will also feel happy, at home, playful, warm and at peace…for the time being for I know that that little itch inside me will never stop, never cease, an itch that no one understand unless they have it too but hey, we can’t win them all, can we?
I wish you all Happy Holidays and may you feel at home, loved and cherished! If not, then I hope you will soon be, because if one thing this year taught me it’s this: anything can happen, anytime, anywhere when you’re least expected!