23 March 2015

A new beginning



So what do you do when the world has become just too big and you feel like you’ve grown more and more insignificant and tired every day? Take a break? Wouldn’t we all want that? But I did. I did decide to take a break and I am on this break as we speak. From my life in the Netherlands, I left my home, my work, my loved ones and I decided to move back to Romania for a couple of months and see what happens.
 
I have been living in the Netherlands for almost 20 years. Lately things seemed so static that I couldn’t enjoy life anymore. Everything seemed a meaningless routine, an endless boredom accompanied by unnecessary stress and negativity. I just couldn’t take it anymore because I started hating the person I was becoming. Too dull, no more fun, always depressed. I hated it and I knew that I wasn’t that person. I knew I could be a very fun person and I loved that person. I hated the one I had become now. I think what really shook me up was a couple of years ago when I went with mom to Turkey. It was only a week but I felt so happy then. When I came back to Holland it all fell apart. I only then realized how unhappy I actually was. I looked around me and couldn’t recognize home, couldn’t recognize any part of me. I was so down and so depressed I just couldn’t believe the fact that for years I had been living such an unhappy life. And I always felt like that every time I went on a holiday. I just really hated going back to Holland. And everyone has that feeling right? When you don’t want your vacation to come to an end. Yeah but to me it felt like my vacation was a bit of life and going back to Holland was going back to the numb state I was dying in. I remember the nights before coming back to Holland, I’d cry and cry myself to sleep not wanting the next day to come and to actually go back to a life I just completely hated.

I have always thought of going back to Romania but I was always afraid of what it might do to me. I was always afraid of leaving my mom. I grew very close to her, especially in Holland and I knew all the pain and problems she had been through. I didn’t want to leave her alone. I was also afraid of what it might do to my relationship. We always had fights based on the fact that I wanted to go back to Romania and we never knew if our relationship was going bad because I wanted to feel more home or because there was something wrong with the relationship itself. I guess I have always been afraid of making decisions afraid I might choose the wrong one and have regrets. And because I never made decisions I just went on in a life that I didn’t want but was afraid could get worse if I’d take chances.

And now? Well don’t expect things to go different so quickly. I have been in Romania for two days now and I feel confused. I just can’t believe the fact that in just 2,5 hours flight you can reach a destination that is a completely different world than the one you’re living in. Romania is just so much different than Holland. I can’t even explain it in words, I can’t say in a more positive or negative way, it’s just a feeling, just the surroundings, the people, life. Everything seems different but I am sure it also has to do with the fact that I just got here. I always need to give myself at least 2 weeks to get used to Romania again. After that I am more able to compare the situation with a clear mind. Now I’m just confused, sad, happy just all the emotions I can experience come together. I have small panic attacks that I try to ignore, panics like ‘ what the hell am I doing here?’ or worse ‘what am I doing with my life?’ I just try not to think about them because I have come to the conclusion that I overthink a lot and that only makes me panic then I eventually feel tired and drained. So I will just stay calm and let it all happen, I just want to experience life as it is without any worries or stress. Those can come later on but for now I just want peace and enjoying the little things in life I have missed so much.

 

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