11 January 2013

Fifty Shades of...What???

Now that the Christmas days and New Year celebrations are over, I have been seeking comfort in my freshly purchased London books and Christmas presents. One of the victims in this early January is...oh my...Fifty Shades of...whatever. And, oh my, holy shit, how cliché can it get? Besides the fact that if I had read another 'oh my' or 'holy shit 'I would have turned fifty shades of red myself, this book describes a bubble head that falls in love with a young man, very rich, holy shit rich, I mean money till you puke rich, he is charming, perfect body, knows exactly what to say or do, is very smart, I mean he has his own company for crying out loud. And of course, the guy is a God in bed, he knows more than the Kama sutra art beholds. Not to mention that the bubble head is a virgin yet somehow in bed she is a perfectly skilled whore. Reading this book reminded me of a porn version of the Pretty woman movie...But I will no longer offend this book and its content. I don't want to spoil its magnitute to the rest of the world. I am more interested in the world that we women have created of a perfect man. The perfect man, he has to be exactly as we want him to be and still surprise us in many ways. And here are some of the characteristics that he must certainly possess:

1. Filthy Rich! The perfect guy can't just have a few thousands in his bank account. No, he has to be castle rich. Let's not even talk about some poor guy cause we independent women gotta have a man that takes care of us. Think of all the movies you have seen Disney, tv shows, movies, and count the times in which the guy was poor...not that many huh? It would be perfect if the guy can buy us clothes and diamonds, take us out to dinner in Paris with his personal spacecraft, has a butler and gets us breakfast in bed in a ten star hotel bla bla bla! What the hell is this bullshit about? Why a man with so much money? I thought we women were on our own now, making our own money. Apparently our money is not enough.

2. King of bed. Yes, he had to be well shaped. I mean huge shaped cause women are impressed by that. Why? Is he auditioning for the Lord of the Strings? Why not have a guy with whom you can experience new things, together? Why a teacher who'll impress you with his Casanova charms? We want a guy who's slept with tenths of women, has a lot of experience and looks in our eyes and says 'I've had sooo many but yours smells like strawberries, I will never cheat on you!'

3. The Adonis looks. Okay, okay I can't say I wouldn't want this either but that drop gorgeous perfect features look is just a little over the top. Some six pack dude that doesn’t look at himself in the mirror 24 7 and doesn’t show that great body of his to someone else, is soo hard to find. But wait a moment, why, when and how did we decide that six packs are the way to go? It's not like we are perfect, ladies so quit the act. Giacomo Casanova was a fucking ugly little man and I am pretty sure he had no six pack. Men are under so much pressure by pretty boys in movies and tv shows who don't have to work every day in an office, under every day stress and make a good damn honest living. So stop drooling at every six pack you see and think about it for just one moment...

4. Strong and brave. Oh yes, our men gotta be the rock taking care of their sweet innocent pebbles. A skinny, short man? Hell no, he's gotta be as tall as a door and his heart made of steel (except when with us, he gotta be sensitive too, cry at Bambi and...talk and listen and shit like that). Why protect us? Are we afraid of something? If you're weak to protect yourself then get a gun, a knife, go to the gym, but don't get a man to compensate for your weakness. And oh my, stop playing the weak, snotty womanish role. Well, just sometimes. Men actually like it from time to time even though they say they don't. Men do need to feel like they are the men, like they are strong but don't make it a requirement on your holy shit so long list.

5. Mysterious and spontaneous. Yep, he's gotta have this deep, dark past, all mysterious and shit. We like them tormented, secretive yet spontaneous at the same time. He's gotta surprise us every day, sing in the rain, dance (well) when everyone else doesn't, do crazy things for us. Bullshit! What some flowers and chocolates don’t work anymore? And that dark twisted thing is fine, for books but not for real life. We think we can 'heal' our men. Be real and let them be real as well.

Men demand a lot of things from their women too. But the thing is they usually just imagine or watch porn to satisfy their dreams. We look for them like crazy. Men want the best cook, most perverted whore in bed and the sweetest listener all in one. We want them to be the best cook, best in bed, rich, tall, strong, spontaneous, good looking, mysterious. No wonder men are all confused. We’ve driven them to insanity. That’s how the Twilight movies were born and our dream men became Robert Pattison and Justin Bieber. Oh my…